I dreamed about you last night. This time last year I was in the winter of Hepatitis C treatment. I was sitting up all night at the computer poring over websites looking for hope that I might beat the odds, conquer hep c, live to see another year. I was hoping that my liver wouldn’t fail during treatment and that my symptoms would really be a distant memory someday. I had budgeted $20 to spend on each of my granddaughters for Christmas gifts and had to put air in my tires every other day on the way to work. Most of my money went to specialty pharmacies and specialty foods that I could tolerate while taking Interferon and Ribavirin. My anger was beyond control with the Ribavirin accumulating in my body. Riba Rage, it’s called. My thinning hair fell out on the couch, in the bathroom, and even in my car. I was shedding like a tree in winter. The treatment is designed to kill the deadly hep c virus. It will also attack every cell in your body.
So I woke up today and read through an old journal. I found this entry and decided to post it for you. If you’re dealing with the knowledge of the diagnosis, dealing with symptoms of treatment, or just plain mad and scared, then I hope this gives you some hope to cling to today as you go about to your doctor visits, lab tests, and poring over the details of liver disease and treatment.
December 1, 2011
“In the spring, I burned over a hundred acres, till the earth was seared and black, and by mid-summer, the space was clad in fresher and more luxuriant green than the surrounding area. Shall man then despair? Is he not a sproutland too, after never so many searings and witherings?” – Henry David Thoreau
This parallels my winter of treatment. It also reminds me of the year I visited Yellowstone as it burned. A few years later, it was lush and full again.
We are killing off the overgrowth of weeds and dead fall in our forests. We’re making room for our bodies to thrive again. We will be crisper, with sharper outlines. I have a picture in my mind’s eye. It comforts me when the heat and flames threaten to overcome me. Once again I look find meaning in the pain. And I see my future. It’s bright.
May your days be merry and bright. Karen 🙂
P.S. The winter of Hepatitis C treatment will only last for a season. Spring will come again, and with it all of your hopes and dreams. Those dormant seeds of joy are dead now, but will bloom again. I promise. Cross my heart.
