Our household was always pretty exciting growing up. Dad drank a lot, and that could lead to either rocking around the Christmas tree, or the Christmas fight from #*&%. I vowed that my home would only honor the best traditions, and non of the messiness. I promised myself that there would be no crazy family times at the holidays. Well, even though I steered away from alcohol, I came to learn that making personal vows didn’t always work.
Crazy Family Times at the Holidays
Dad and mom had big family get togethers at the holidays. Since both sets of grandparents were business owners, presents, and pictures were important. However, I always think of Aunt Cora, who had moved off to pursue a career in New York City in the 1920s. Family pictures showed a vivacious young woman with a huge smile, and bright eyes. After a struggle with depression, a high dollared doctor gave her a lobotomy, which was a cruel practice. It was so popular at the time that even Rosemary Kennedy, the sister of JFK had one. Sadly, she came home to Tulsa as a different person. Many years she spent a few weeks with us at Christmas. During those times, our house was quieter. We were taught to be gentle with her, and show love.
Relatively Speaking
I thought that our family was normal, since it was all I knew. After going to friend’s houses, I saw that not everyone had ups and downs, alcoholism, or an Aunt Cora. Some of my friends lived in homes where no one drank or threw things at each other. Did that mean there was some kind of “normal” family where everything was perfect? Nah. We’ve all got some strange people climbing around in our family tree, but it took me a while to realize that it was okay that I had some crazy family times at the holidays in my childhood.
For many years, as a young adult, I upheld my childhood vow, and went for the Hallmark Movie look. Everything was decorated perfectly, with all the trimmings, prayers, and candles lit. You could practically see a halo in my family pictures. It was a hard gig to keep up with, especially since I was living with a silent liver disease and moved into stage 4 by the time I was 50.
My gatherings were with friends, family, church, or work friends. I found that they all had crazy family times at the holidays too. One year, I invited my Sunday School class over for a party. I later learned that they were secretly serving wine out in my garage. It felt good to know that there was a loving balance in my life. I often taught about grace, letting go of fear, and allowing ourselves to be loved just like we were.
Keeping Up the False Front
I worked in medical, owned a business, and then later worked as teacher. Everyone from doctors and nurses, employees, co-workers, truck drivers, teachers and students talked about their traditions. Imagine the relief I felt when hearing others discuss their crazy family times at the holidays. I felt less anxious to keep up the perfect family false front. I designed my own family traditions without fear of stigma or judgment.
At work, people may spend a lot of hours together, but they really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Sure, someone might get clobbered at the office Christmas party and make some judgement errors, but eventually, everything gets back to business.
Forget the Perfect Holiday
Many people still have a plastic front that they put up. I get it. We don’t have to expose everything. But we can also listen to someone’s story of how warm and wonderful it was when the matching pajama picture in front of the tree went so well, and not compare it to our own experience. We can have close friends to be honest about how we deal with expectations of what life should be like.
Do you have crazy family times at the holidays? It can be isolating to think that you’re the only one that isn’t having a perfect Facebook Christmas. Remember that even if you need it to look good on the outside just a little, the real Christmas comes from your heart. It’s about having enough self love that no matter what is going on inside your family, you can give and receive love, forgiveness, and affection from those you care about.
Whether you give gifts, or not isn’t important. The amount of money spent, or the meal prepared doesn’t have to wear you out. Our bunch will eat together. Of course with some younger ones, we still do a gift exchange. We have learned to enjoy low sodium liver healthy food, including turkey and dressing with all the trimmings.
If you find yourself battling feeling of loneliness, isolation, or longing for more, I hope this helps you find peace in knowing you are never alone in your experience. The idea of a good or bad family is a myth. Let go of any childhood vows you made, and give yourself a break this year. Relax and know you are always worthy of love and belonging, no matter where you are this Christmas.
