Emotions and Crying with Hepatitis C
I have been doing some crying. I’m okay, but life is hard sometimes. I wonder how many of you have dealt with your emotions and crying with Hepatitis C. I have had some work to do. That work required crying. Let me start off by saying that some people look so awesome when they pucker up and give in to a lament. Natalie Portman has won a lot of awards for crying on demand. I love the way her doe eyes fill with tears. She pulls me into the scene and makes me want to hug her. Even guys like Robert De Niro, most recently in Silver Linings playbook, or Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber look so good crying that it almost makes the audience uncomfortable.
I do not ever look that good crying. My mascara burns my eyes and streaks all over the place. My face wrinkles up like a pug. You don’t want to hold me, you want to swat me with a newspaper and tell me to go lay down somewhere. Keep reading MEN: There is something in here for you too!
Anyway…. All this bawling and crying caused me to think back over the last few years at all the tears I have shed. There have been some God Awful Scared Tears. Like the day got my needle guided biopsy. I was zoned out, but I knew what End Stage Cirrhosis meant. I was so sad and scared that I threw up all over the car. My daughter gave me something for nausea and I faceplanted the dashboard. Sad sad day.
There have also been Tears of Joy. How can I forget the day I puckered up in the aisle at the grocery store? It was the first time that I saw ketchup with no added sodium. After cleaning off the entire shelf and placing all 10 bottles in my buggy, I chased down the manager to thank her. All I could do was stand there with my lower lip quivering. I finally just hugged her. I HATE it when that happens, but sometimes I am given to spells of emotions that cause spontaneous hugging.
What’s up with all the emotions? I actually recall being a bit of a bawl baby for the last several years before being diagnosed with Hepatitis C and cirrhosis. Have you experienced that? My thought is that there are just so many heavy duty emotions to deal with when you are sick. A diagnosis of Hepatitis C is a slap in the face. You are chugging through life, managing to get by as well as you can – then SLAM! You’re told that you have a virus that has is destroying your liver and has a low cure rate.
Oh and let’s add, that for some of us, the first protease inhibitors were rough and therefore cure can kill you if your liver has already advanced to Stage 4 cirrhosis. Your consolation is that if you DO clear the virus, you may be left with debilitating side effects. I find nothing cheerful about any of those statements. I cleared the virus and am still going strong… with some emotional ups and downs. How do we deal with those emotions?
Here is how I do it? I do my best to manage them, just like you do. I believe we are made up of 3 parts: We are a spirit. We have a mind. We live in a body. When any one of those 3 gets out of kilter, it has a profound effect on the other 2 parts. With our diagnosis, immediately we are aware that our body is threatened. Our spirit can become crushed. And our mind goes haywire.
I believe our mind is the seat of our emotions. It is over the area of our thinking, our ego, our will, and our Emotions. Anxious thoughts can multiply rapidly. One split second image in our mind can conjure up an entire scenario that can be absolutely defeating to any other thoughts.
I have had those battles many times. You have too. When you are sick, those negative and frightening thoughts are deafening. I try to deal with my spirit, mind, and body separately. When negative emotions hit, whether they are from a physical problem or not, I try to acknowledge that the battle is taking place in my mind.
I listen to my spirit and look for ways to nourish it. A walk under the stars, an image or words on my computer screen, or the touch of a hand all remind me that I am not alone. My spirit is still strong.
Let me say that I am a fan of having a good cry. Sometimes there is nothing better than just seeing a situation for what it is. Hepatitis C sucks. Cirrhosis sucks. Being on treatment sucks. I could go on, but you get my drift. It is a sad situation. It is our body. Our life. Our minds our overwhelmed. Our hopes and dreams are being threatened.
I love a line spoken by Meryl Streep in Out of Africa. She has lost everything and Robert Redford walks in. She cries bravely and beautifully by the way.
“I’ve got this little thing I’ve learned to do just lately…When it’s so hard I think I shan’t go on, I try to make it worse. I make myself think about Berkeley. Our camp on the river. How good it was. When I’m certain I won’t stand it, I go a moment more. Then I know I can bear anything.”
This quote became somewhat of a mantra for me during treatment. Sort of a symbol for embracing the worst thing you can think of. I’m never one to dwell too long in dark places mentally. I look to my spirit for guidance out of a negative mindset. Or I listen to my spirit when my body is weak or tired. But sometimes, I just allow myself to feel the pain of it all and cry.
For Men Only: You too understand this depth of despair. Many times, the male equivalent of crying is to hit something, or roar off in anger. We who are of the feminine gender are fortunate that in our society, women are allowed the privilege of crying. I sincerely hope that you too can find some space of your own where you can just grieve the loss of having Hepatitis C in whatever way you find acceptable. I would think that chopping wood might help. (Don’t guys always get their emotions out through physical activity?)
If you are sick, that may not be an option. I personally think it is a sign of strength when a man accepts his emotions and has the courage to share them with another. There is no judgment here either way. I simply want to acknowledge that your inner pain is no less because you are a man. In some ways, I think it may be harder for you. Holding it all in is not the easiest thing to do. My heart is with you in this. 
This blog is a rambler. It was born of some pain. I feel free enough with you all to say it like it is. I know you feel sad sometimes too. We try and put on a brave front. We smile through the pain. We work on our thought life and try to use education, awareness, solitude and prayer when we deal with negative emotions. We whistle while we work. But sometimes …. when we are down … when our spirit, mind, and body are tired – we give in to the emotions and crying with Hepatitis C and just let it all out.
That’s some of what I have been doing. I’ve been a little AWOL from the website. You’ll hear the whole story soon. Life is good. My health is steady.
I swam all day with the grandkids. Now THAT will bring out the good emotions. Love and hugs from your best friend, Karen:)
I hope this blog helped you feel less alone with your tender heart. Have you read this one?
I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends
Anxiety and Hepatitis C or Cirrhosis
Who can you talk to when dealing with your emotions?
Do you cry alone or on someone’s shoulder?
email ihelpc.com@gmail.com
pics via wikipedia.com, linemunhozblogspot.com, hollywire.com, pugdogpage.com
12 thoughts on “Emotions and Crying with Hepatitis C”
Hi,
I stumbled across your blog as i was trying to assess where 6 months of denial had gotten me. Thanks for having the insight, energy, compassion, courage strength. You get the picture – I’m appreciative.
I’ve never posted a comment on a blog before, I dont really like social media. So well done for making the wary warehouse cat trust you
6 months is weird, it could be 30 years but 3 years since i was in a resuscitation room by surprise.
I get what you mean, this is really draining for me but what I wanted to get across is that the mission you embarked on found me, confronted me, yes it made me cry but most importantly it inspired me.
Thanks Karen.
Now I’m crying. You’ve inspired me. Denial is awesome when we can’t handle the full blown truth. I’m right there with you slowly realizing what this means in my life.
Yes. It is draining. But every small step leads us to the power to accept and make those changes.
I soo needed your comment today. Thanks for reaching out in cyber space. xoxo Karen:) stay in touch..
I’ve never looked at denial that way before, Denial – self made ignorance – is bliss I guess. I’ll keep that in mind as a short term emergency solution. But It can have a tendency to override logic with potentially tragic consequences. Denial is easily manipulated in an addicted mind.
My unexpected brush with death and subsequent diagnosis with ESLD occurred 3 years ago.
It scared me, my beautiful children and beautiful wife, who has also been a close friend for 25 years. All this was a catalyst for me to abstain from alcohol for the first time since I was 13.
My brother (who is a writer) put it to me that I could ignore the warnings and conclude my life story in a kind of sad nearly rockin roll way or I could simply end the chapter and make some big changes. This resonated with me and it was empowering and relatively easy to quit the one substance I had never before conquered.
Unfortunately my wife dealt with her emotions in a different way and a month later I was dismissed in a very public and humiliating way. So three months into my abstinence I caved under the pressure of hurt and loneliness and still haven’t found that space of hope that gave me the courage to stop drinking. I dont like grudges and she is still a beautiful friend.)
I found myself once again staring up the steep, slippery walls of a deep depression.
This is the bit where denial is less awesome. In a downward spiral of dwindling self esteem, increasing isolation, loss of income, loss of teeth and health in general I somehow justified the logic to myself that I hadn’t died, therefore the doctors were wrong and therefore I was blessed with an invincible body/liver. I conveniently ignored the swelling, bleeding etc and continued to drink.
I knew about various symptoms and recognized them but only recently (last two days ) I popped all the key words into a search engine and realized what I already knew.
Believe it or not, I AM NOT INVINCIBLE.
The disease ignored my denial and continued to attack my liver and now other organs. DUH!
I feel incredibly guilty to my children, my Mother who has tried so hard to be a support.
Anyway I found a lot of information, reconnected with the liver clinic, am organizing alcohol rehabilitation to find that place again.
I really want to say that I found a lot of support forums. They were well intentioned but they either rehashed the obvious or were a bit morbid and depressing, for me anyway. That is why it was wonderful to discover your blog. (I still don’t really know what one is but I’m getting there.
I Help C was the impetus for me to dig my feet in, get back in the fight, turn back the tide, you can insert your favorite cliche but the emotion is definitely genuine.
Thanks again!
Peace Out
Guido
PS, I hope this was to morbid, I kind of unloaded but the bit I hope sticks is the sense of hope
😉
Aw Guido – You’re all good. It’s your truth. Many people who read here are going through similar situations. Short term solutions never work, do they? But – our mind is a powerful thing. I can tell you have a good mind. You haven’t sung your full song for the world to hear yet. It is never too late. I knew a man who was in a hepatic coma for a month and had to have a portion of his stomach removed due to varices. He quit drinking and lived another 20 years. You’ve found your strength before. Your brother is a great support for you. Keep in touch. Kk?
HI Karen,
the mind is definitely a powerful thing, for better or worse..
I spent the weekend with my family, I feel better than I have for a long time.
its a bit like shaking off the remnants of a weird dream.
In my previous life I was bushland re generator. I went bush walking with my kids today.
It was regenerating for all of us, took me a while to remember all the botanical names.
I don’t understand why your blog shifted three years of drifting away to feeling resolute in just three days but it did. I am really grateful.
I think it because your blog is down to earth, from the heart & honest that I was able to relate.
I will stay in touch and I’m smiling.
Thanks, Guido
Who said: The mind is a terrible master but an excellent slave? You are getting some control back! Don’t you love how quickly God and the universe rewards our efforts?
Thank you for your kind words. I am right beside you in the journey. My smile is a mile wide right now. I love botany btw.
I don’t know who is more grateful, you or me. haha! Peace my friend, K:)
wopps
PS I hope it WASN’T too morbid
My sister just finished 6 months of treatment for Hep C. Her lowest viral load was 80. Now she Is up to over one million. She called me today crying so hard I could hardly understand her. She feels the last 6 mos. of treatment have been for nothing. She is just devastated. She is suffering terribly from the side effects of treatment. She wants to stop treatment & start again when the new treatment becomes available. Any thoughts or comments? Is there anyone else that this has happed to?
Thanks,
Cindy
News like this is dreadful, but yes I have heard of it. Treatment takes everything out of you, and when it gives nothing back… I’m mad just thinking about it. I have heard so many good things about the new tx. She can read my blog on Hepatitis C treatment risk. I would go for it if my dr approved. Honestly, when it works, she will get her life back.
What an awesome sis you are. When she’s ready, encourage her to get her body back in shape for new tx to be approved. She will slowly get stronger.
The viral load really means nothing in terms of treatment. People who were in the millions cleared if their body responded. Do they consider her a non-responder or a relapser?
Please stay in touch. I’ll be sending love and prayer to you both. Take care of yourself too sis. I’m going to do some research…
xo Karen:)
Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I think she’s considered non responsive. It,s hard because we live in different parts of the country and I can only be there for her by phone. I’LL have her check your blog ‘re treatments
Thanks again
Cindy
I know i started this conversation but glad to know im not alone. Thanks so much for explaining this to me and helping me deal. You are a great and smart friend.
You know I love you girl. It’s always comforting to know that no matter what we are dealing with that others have been there too. The problems we face are all in common. That is what unites us in the struggle.
Thanks so much for the comment. Your friendship is important to me too!
xo Karen
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