In the span of about 5 minutes, my mind can move from doing a routine thing, like scratching my elbow, all the way to something totally ridiculous – say….. moving myself into a cardboard box underneath a bridge. I don’t even have to exert any effort. I can shift my mind from a “relaxed non thinking” state to a “weight of the world on my shoulders” state and within seconds. How is it that my thoughts go from peaceful floating, to a crash landing with cirrhosis?
Getting Yanked Around by Your Mind
In Dan Harris’ book, 10% Happier, he refers to the nonstop conversation we have with ourselves as “getting yanked around by our mind”.
I get that. It’s so easy to get pushed around by our thoughts. The mind cuts out on us. Here’s an example: I’ll feel an itch on my skin. My fingernail automatically does it’s thing on my elbow.
Cut to remembering the time I had an allergic reaction to a Hepatitis C Treatment.
Cut to lying in St John’s Medical Center with a varices bleed.
Cut to worrying about my health or dying.
Cut to thinking about the future.
Crash landing with cirrhosis – soon I’m losing everything I own and living in a box.
I’ve never lived inside of anyone else’s mind, but I’m pretty sure you do a version of this too. We’re not alone in our mental skirmishes.
There are a lot of ways to respond to the “fast thinker” or “monkey mind” mode.
Just Do Something
Activity reigns supreme in my ideal world. I’ve never felt too cuddly with the notion that rest is best. Quite the opposite. I innately believe that if we’re busy, busy, constantly busy – something good is bound to happen. The problem with that is, sometimes you’re powerless, can’t do anything, and mentally crash anyway. You’re stuck with a mental mess similar to PTSD.
Dream a Little Dream
Woe is me if I linger on the crash ending with cirrhosis. I can stay “in my head” and let feelings of anger, panic, or sorrow wash over me for all the loss that I have, or could potentially face. From liver cancer, the hepatitis c virus, all the treatment side effects. The crazy thing is, most of the time, I haven’t even experienced the loss yet. But my brain doesn’t know that. The problem is that our body becomes accustomed to the chemical brain bath that floods our cells. It will actually scan our environment demanding more worry and anxiety to level out. You’re stuck with a mental mess.
Either of these can lead to negative feelings and behavior. If you always end up doing doing doing, whether at work or home, you may begin to feel used. So you day dream about running away because nobody appreciates all your sacrifices. Self pity could lead to passive aggressive thoughts and actions. That cycle sucks big time.
Instead of darting down to the mental crash landing, what if you had been spending time doing mental calisthenics for your brain?
Meditation is the equivalent of prefrontal cortex push up.
Each time you sit in silence, noticing your thoughts cutting here and there – simply NOTICING them – you’re meditating.
You’re sitting with your thoughts and calling them out for being unruly. Yeah. That’s meditating. By practicing noticing your thoughts, you’ve begun a meditation practice. Now, that’s how to prioritize what your mind is doing.
It simply makes sense to catch myself before I start lining that homeless shelter cardboard box with used newspapers. I can mindfully follow a line of thought that has me living the life of my dreams, living fully in the world I was created to live in, surrounded by the people and things that I love and cherish.
6 thoughts on “Crash Landing with Cirrhosis”
That totally hits the nail on the head and sums me up perfectly. Add to that that I have many other thoughts pop into my brain from PTSD from an abusive childhood. I feel like my brain is a plate full of scrambled eggs.
Thank you so much for reaching out to others who have liver disease. It is wonderful to know that someone totally understands what this whole journey is about.
Coming up in February, I have 3 doctor appointments. It is time for my 6 month blood work and abdominal ultrasound to check for liver cancer. I also have to get a thyroid ultrasound because they found nodules on my thyroid. And I have a follow-up appointment with my PCP. Over the past few years the abdominal ultrasounds have shown no liver cancer but have detected 2, then 3, lesions on my pancreas. And, a lesion on my left kidney.
I tried to get into a liver study several years ago but was rejected because they found I had left bundle branch block of my heart during preliminary tests. And my heart has a congenital defect that I just recently found out about. Evidently different heart congenital defects run in the family.
There is another liver study I was thinking about trying to get into. They just called and left a message for me to contact them for screening. I will probably not be accepted due to the left BBB.
Do you know if being in a study would have any effect on being considered for a transplant later on? I have undergone treatment already for Hepatitis C and that was a success.
Thank you so much,
Karen
Hi Karen! Love that name!
Your story brings up so many things.The trauma is something we all deal with. Illness is just not fair and touches every single aspect of our lives. Much love to you for recognizing your need for peace and actively surrounding yourself with the kind of people who are going in the same direction.
I can’t wait to hear how your dr visit goes. Dang, you’ve got a lot going on and I hope meditation helps. Visit my soundcloud for a few free meditations. I’m getting ready to record my medical procedure meditation asap. It helps.
As far as getting into a study, I’m not sure. A lot would have to go through the transplant center. I don’t know of anything that would eliminate you other than the things I listed in the “denied for liver transplant” blog.
Lesions can be totally benign and I’m sending you positive energy that yours will be. You deserve a break, and I hope you get it. In the mean time, keep meditating and send a positive message to your body hunnyo. Much love and please stay in touch!!
xo Karen
This article is fantastic and i got some good information by reading this.
thanks a lot.
I’m glad it was helpful for you. Beginning a mindful approach to our health is a great way to find benefits!
Thanks for stopping by!
Hello Karen. I read this after I commented on your most recent blog so Im just going to repeat myself … most days I struggle more with the mental aspect of my disease .. a lot of the ‘what ifs’ and it really does get tiring if I dont capture those thoughts and put them into perspective. I really do believe that all things that come into my life has a purpose … so I give them right back to the One who controls it all ♡
Preach it sister. Your life does have a purpose indeed. Those thoughts are just that: thoughts.
I like to think of them as stories my mind makes up when it’s being unruly. Come back to the breath dear one and you’ll find your peace again.
I saw your other posted and commented. Thank you so much for connecting.
We ARE gonna be good friends.
xoxoxoxo Karen
Comments are closed.