A Little Help From My Friends – We all know the value of a having someone close to us through life. Some of our dearest friends are the ones who have shared our lives for years. 
Others may be new from the internet and we have never met them in person. We all cherish our relationships no matter how or when we met. That is because friends are the ones who see us as we are. I know from experience that anything can be done with a little help from my friends.
“I get by with a little help from my friends.” John Lennon and Paul McCartney
However, in recent years, I have had to look at my friendships in regard to my health issues with liver disease and the Hepatitis C virus. It is wise to be aware of how close you can be with others when you are sick. Have you ever considered all the different levels of friendship there are?
I have an analogy that is used every year in a lesson plan with my students. High school kiddos need a little help in navigating the tough social circles or cliques that make up teenage life. My lesson actually applies to everyone. Let’s look at all the different ways that we can nurture good relationships by setting healthy boundaries, accepting others unique qualities, and giving our best gift of ourselves to our cherished friends.
Follow me a minute: Picture your perfect dream house. Imagine the street or lane that it is on. What does the lawn look like? What kind of fence and driveway does it have? Is it made of brick, wood, or stone? Is it one story or more? Does it sprawl out in the yard or is it a cozy nest surrounded by trees? Are you with me? Now pretend that the house is YOU.
Passerby Friends – Many people will pass by your home in your lifetime. If you are as old as I am, there are thousands of people who could drive past and know that it is YOUR house. These are what I call passerby friends. They may be a school mate, someone you worked with, or maybe a soccer mom that you sat next to for a season. You may not see them for years, and yet they recognize you in a crowd with a Don’t I know you? kind of smile. These people may know you socially, but they don’t know a lot about what is really inside you.
Passerby friends make up a big portion of your social circle. They can help you to feel at home in a new group, such as when your kiddos start school. As a Nana, my grandkids parents have become passerby friends. When I was on Hepatitis C treatment, the moms were always glad to see me at a tumbling practice or soccer game. When I stayed away for a while and then returned with a wig, they greeted me with hugs and encouragement. They rarely if ever heard my details.
Front Porch Friends – These are the ones that you have shared a meal with. You have probably also shared some intimate joys and heartaches with them. You know the milestones in each other’s lives. When your babies were born, when you bought your first home, when you had trouble in relationships – they were there for you. When the bottom fell out and you couldn’t hold your head up, they knew. You have given them a lot of your heart and soul. You could call each other and know that there would be support, love, and prayer.
Some of my passerby friends were not part of my inner circle when I was really sick. I felt protective. Explaining myself to others who really didn’t know me that well at this stage of life simply took too much energy. I withdrew from activities and when I saw them, I just smiled and acted like everything was fine.
It is okay to set that boundary. It’s a matter of survival. I accept the relationship for what it is and try not to expect too much from them. They would not get it anyway.
The only Way to Have a Friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Living Room Friends – Now we’re getting to the small group that less than 20 people could be counted in. Think of how many would fit in your actual living room. If you are sick, these are some of the beloved friends that could get past your front door. You can trust them to always have your best interest at heart. That is what they are – heart friends. They fiercely defend you against anyone who dares to say something bad about you. You would do the same for them. The protection that these friendships offer is one of your most valuable assets. I would not trade a million dollars for my Living Room Friends.
They are the ones you call when you are mad at your spouse or kids. They will be mad with you; they will also forgive them when you do. They are the ones you call when your dreams are not coming true. When your boss, your dog, or the whole world is against you? Yep. They line up on your side and cross their arms daring anyone or anything to harm you. “They’ll have to get through me first” is a statement that they make without even thinking about it.
Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite authors says, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
I think he is describing the next level of friendship.
Down the Hall Friends – These are the ones you call when you are really in a pickle. They will bail you out and take it to the grave with them. They have been into the messy places where only the invited ones go. They can look at your stuff and without judging you. They know your weaknesses and laughingly remind you of your mistakes.
Consider these friends the Wise Ones because they see the big picture of your life. The door down the hall of your life that has been locked since you were a kid? They have the key. They know better than to disturb it. Yet if you need a little help rearranging the mess that is inside that room, they bring a bucket of soapy water and a mop. But they always wait to be invited.
Friends are truly the jewels of life. By looking at your friendships, you can learn a lot about yourself. Your Down the Hall Friendships are nurtured with love and sacrifice. It goes both ways and you have learned to give of yourself if you have a circle of friends who are that intimate in your life.
The Living Room Friends are proof that you have reached out to many others in social settings and drawn in a group that thrived on mutual trust. Most of us have experienced placing our trust in the wrong people and ended up moving them back to the Passerby Friends status. Making, learning, and loving with friends is one of life’s greatest teachers.
There is a whole new category that got added to my life after being diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis. My Cyber Friends have moved into the deepest corner of my heart. We crawl all over each other’s houses from attic to basement. There is not a lot of holding back. We are shoulder to shoulder in a battle for life. The intimacy we experience through the internet is amazing. You all have saved my life. I picture a big ole lake with a bunch of inner tubes. We’re connected. Bobbing along and keeping each other’s heads above water. I like that thought. 
I love you all and am so glad to have understanding friends in my journey. You are all irreplaceable and welcome in my house anytime. I get by with a little help from my friends, Xoxoxo from your sleepy sappy BFF. Karen:)
Have you told your friends how much you love them lately? Pick up the phone. Post on their FB timeline.
Friends who stick by you through illness are angels in disguise.
Pics via quotesfrenzy.com, laughnessmonster.com, travelgems101,
20 thoughts on “A Little Help From My Friends”
Hi Karen,
Love this post! I guess I never thought too much about the types of friends we have, there are so many!
I like what you said about how cyber friends reach a special corner of our lives, they do don’t’ they. Maybe that’s because we share our words. Like a love letter or letter to a friend we can express ourselves in a more meaningful way I guess.
I also love Henri Nouwen. He’s one of my favorites also. He has such profound words.
Thanks for an awesome post Karen.
Blessings,
Liz
Hi Liz –
I’m glad that you are a cyber friend! 🙂 It IS like sharing words. We drop by each others websites when we need a lift, some advice, or just to say hi. I love visiting your site.
Thanks for stopping by my place this week. haha!
And Henri.. he’s one of my best friends. I grieved his loss, but am still able to sit with him in my chair with a book full of words.
I hope your week is full of blessings too,
xo Karen:)
I read this right after you posted it and I wanted to comment – but was speechless.
You are such a gift. I needed some perspective so I read your words again. Again – I am speechless.
Thank you Karen.
Joe,
You are the one who is a blessing to me, and to all those that you reach out to. I hope you are doing well and able to stay up with all of your community work. Your involvement helps so many people.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Your words always touch my heart.
That’s because we’re heart friends,
xoxo Karen:)
Karen, this has really blessed me today…May God continue to bless and keep you.
Thank you for stopping by again Dorothy.
I’m curious – and please forgive me if I should know – Do you have a website or blog that you share from on google+? I get brain foggy on social networking.
I am always glad to see your comments and am happy that something I said could be a blessing to you today!
xoxo Karen:)
Hi Karen,
Glad to have met you on the lake, you reminded me of a long time ago when three friends and I floated about 20 kms down the Murray River on truck tubes, perilous, hilarious and we made it.
last night I called up I called who is probably my only down the hall friend (you only need one), sometimes we leave it for a year or more. Turned out we both needed to catch up, we’re heading far away from cyberville to an abandoned church he bought years ago. It’s on the edge of a swamp near the edge of the desert in the middle of nowhere. It was a built by German pilgrims early in Australia’s white settlement. There’s a highway and railway line about 100kms away. We have a solar powered juicer a ute full of good food, a guitar and 3 blues harps.
Music, talk, campfires and healing. Can’t wait.
Hope your doing well.
Guido
Guido –
I think you tell me this stuff just to make me jealous! A old abandoned church, solar powered juicer, and a guitar. Where’s my invite? Haha! No this one is for you and your down the hall friend. I’m so glad you two have each other. Friendships like this are rare indeed where you can jump up and go with no need for electricity or entertainment – Just friendship and nature.
You all are going to have a miraculous time of love and healing – and more stars than you can count. You’ll bring me back a story? Maybe a guest blog? No pressure tho Guido. I don’t want expectations to take a single minute from your time of retreat. Blessings to you dear friend.
xo Karen:)
Hey Karen,
I made it by and I LOVE this post.
I guess I’ve always just looked at those that are acquaintances, friends and then really good friends. As you know I just lost my best friend in the whole world and sometimes I feel alone although I still have friends that I could call if I really needed something and they’d be there for me.
I have a lot of very good friends and I’ve even met some really wonderful people online. I have a mastermind group of six ladies all in my age range and I swear, they just mean the world to me and I do consider them really great friends now.
I think it takes all kinds but I have a feeling you just really have a heck of a lot of really great friends. We oftentimes will just never know while we’re alive though. That’s just kind of sad.
~Adrienne
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Adrienne –
Thanks for stopping by! I remember we had first connected the very week of your loss. Your phone call was so sweet and I knew then what a generous person you were. I’m sure that time has changed the grief into a lonely feeling.
You certainly have a tight group of friends in your mastermind group. I’ve gotten acquainted with some of them because of you and am constantly inspired. I too have been fortunate in my friendships. Moving back to my hometown has been awesome and renewed some old friendships.
Yet the friends I have made through this part of my journey are closer in ways that I never imagined. I’m of the thought that there will be a great reunion for us all someday. I also know that the ones who aren’t with me on earth are still with me in spirit each and every day – watching over me and cheering me on.
I’m always cheering for you. You approach life with such a strong heart.
xoxo Your gushy friend, Karen:)
Hello; I followed you here from your post on Adrienne Smith’s site, and I am glad i did. This was an eloquant explanation of the various types of friendship. You can feel the emotion coming through. And I love the image of a group of us bobbing along on our inner tubes keeping each other afloat and paddling together to that warm welcome shore. I’m looking forward to your next post. Take care, Max
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Hi Maxwell,
Adrienne is a great mentor in running a website. This midway would not make it without her! BTW- I treasure your stories about the midway rides. What a legacy. I”m sure you have met many interesting passerby friends in your adventures. Then there are the intimate ones that we could not live without.
We’ll bob along together in this journey. I’m really happy that you stopped by.
xo Karen:)
Hi Karen,
I’m playing ‘catch-up’ today, so even though I’m pretty late on your posts, I’m right here dear friend 🙂
Just like all the others, I loved this post because it’s a little different from the usual ones you share – more about you and your feelings I’d say. Yes, friends mean a lot to us, don’t they?
You won’t believe it, but I now have more friend’s online as compared to my offline friend’s. Or perhaps because I am online literally ALL day long, it’s but natural to have more friend’s in the cyber world, isn’t it? Not to mention that each one of them is a true gem, and I really have never had ‘bad friend’s’ so far, or the ones who might have ditched me.
I value my friendships and relationships made with each one of them, which includes you of course, a great deal and find myself truly blessed to be in their company. I wonder how life would be if we didn’t say hello or visit each others blogs, or interact on the social media as we do? One kind of misses things, don’t we?
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
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Harleena,
Yes, this is a personal topic for me. Some friends gave me the support I really needed when I got sick. Others didn’t know what to do. This new chapter in my life has ushered in a whole lot of friends that I will always be close to because of our shared health struggle. We are really down the hall friends.
Then there are friends like you and Adrienne who offer encouragement for me on the site itself. I think it’s awesome that you have made a full time job of writing about everything from blogging to family and relationship topics. We could have a front porch friend party! I’d bring the healthy low sodium potato salad!
I’m happy that you have found your niche and with it all the joys of friendship with people who have a common passion.
Have a great week end! 🙂
xo Karen
I always love your posts Karen…
Jim,
I always love your comments! A lot of my writing got lost on the hard drive when it crashed. It looks like I will be starting from scratch. That can be a good thing in some ways.
Thanks for the feedback. Especially on this post. It means a lot to me. Much love,
xo Karen:)
Just this morning I was thinking about this very thing, friends. How when our son died they showed up at the memorial, the house, and the camp memorial…then quickly retreated into the woodwork. Where did they all go? It did not matter if they were close friends, aquaintances, living room friends…they were non existant. The only friends I had were my cyber friends.They listen and respond and perhaps it is easier, as they do not have to look at our faces. Now it is happening again. (Not that many every reentered our lives.) Word has reached many that I have cancer (through school, church, and the net). Again, the only friends who visit our home are on the internet. No one wants to call or say hello at the front door. I am always home and persistantly caring of others. I never talk about myself or our loss unless asked. While I am a positive person, my husband is just quiet and in denial. So what are we doing wrong? Do we have to reach out to them? I always thought it was the other way around. Thoughts from all are welcome. I love my Hep C family here on your site. They are always loving, understanding and forgiving. All we need is love…to quote another Beetles song.
Sheila
Oh sweetie! I am so very very sorry to hear this. I am Dee/Dorene, I have been helping Karen with her site since she had a liver transplant in April.
I can not possibly know the pain of losing your son however I can say how very sorry I am. I know that when someone I know has something happen I always try to get in touch. I have always felt saying something is better than saying nothing. By saying something the friend is acknowledging your pain, offering solace and friendship. I think that people are so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing they say nothing. I had an experience with close family members who, after an accident, were not hearing from anyone. I sent a letter to one of them and expressed what was happening. My family was then inundated with calls, cards, letter. I am only sharing my experience. I just think many times people don’t know what to say so they err by saying nothing.
For me, I lost everything 5 years ago after going through chemo for HCV. It didn’t work, I lost my job, just about lost my mind, it didn’t work. 3 years ago I did it again with a newer medication. Same affects. Here I am 3 years later and most of my friends are like yours in the cyber world. I think it happens because we can no longer get out in to the world for what ever physical, mental, grieving disorder we may have. Friends slowly fall by the way side until it is like you and I on here reaching out to others in a hope of sharing, caring, bonding.
I don’t know what you would think of this but here goes, have you thought of going to church? During my family members problems the people from the church were the kindest most caring people. It is not easy to get back out there and sometimes impossible to extend ourselves.
I hope you don’t mind my morning musings. I am suffering right now and decided I wanted to reach out to someone else who may be in the same position. I found you 🙂 Have you ever heard the saying that “Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous”? I will check back in later but right now suffering from intractable pain. Please keep in touch. Dee/Dorene
Dee,
Thank you for writing me. We go to chuch. Ed grew up in Ripon and the church. It is many of the church people who are avoiding me. I do not talk about my ills or loss, I try to stay alert of what is going on in the church community. My friends from my 21 years at Salida Middle School are mostly still teaching, and just can’t seem to find to time to call me back or say hi on facebook. Even my own sister avoids me. The only place I feel surrounded by love and caring people is at my husband’s school, Sisk. But, not that I to have HCC, it is hard to go in and help like I used to. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I pray that you will be able to use TACE to help with your HCC. That is what is helping mine. It is only a temporary fix, but it is a fix. Do I reach out to people again, invite them over, try to be the initiator? Seems like that is all I do. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for answering and for helping Karen out.
Much love,
Sheila
Hello there! Yes I think it would be a very good idea to reach out to others. I wonder if there might be a support group in your area for people with cancer. Just an idea. There seems to be support for cancer. What about going to Bible Study? Or if there is a coffee clatch after church? How about Sunday school for adults? My parents joined a group at church where they have pot luck dinners. They also joined the choir. I am trying to think of ways to help. I know how hard it can be. I feel very isolated at times, much like you are feeling.
I reached out to my young neighbors who have small children. I love children and when I feel up to it will baby sit them for a couple of hours to give the Mom’s a break. Once actually told me she considers me a friend. I know it is late in the year but what about a gardening group? I have also read about 55 and overs who get together once a week for a pot luck. As soon as I am feeling up to it I am going to volunteer my time to a senior center to offer to read to them or play cards. Do you play cards? My Uncle joined a group of people who play bridge weekly. I will keep brain storming. Of course all of these things are reliant on you feeling well. Are you able to volunteer in the small children’s Sunday School or in the nursery. Sorry my thoughts are just pouring out. Probably a little bit overwhelming, sorry about that 🙂
How are you feeling? I will pray about this and I am sure Karen might have some ideas when she is feeling a bit better. My best to you, HUGS to you my new friend 🙂
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