Courage and Confidence with Liver Cancer
During my battle with liver cancer, I loved reading all of your personal cards, emails, and messages. How could I possibly respond back? (Picture me typing all night.) Instead, I folded strong words into my heart and recited them to me when I needed them. (Daily, hourly) Little love letters. One morning after my liver transplant, while poring over more of your emails and messages, one word kept popping up – Brave. I remember my face felt hot. I didn’t feel brave at all. I was terrified. I needed courage and confidence with liver cancer.
Rising Strong
A lot of emotions go through your head when you survive the threat of death. I tried to write a blog about it but my thoughts and feelings got tangled up. I began to notice how frequently we all use battlefield language describing Hepatitis C and other liver ailments. Words like heroic, brave, confident, courage, and warrior are dotted throughout facebook posts about illness, treatments, and health. They were also a big part of the language in Brene Brown’s book that I read during the whole cancer smancer mess.
I looked up the definition of the word Confidence. The original latin gives this: With Trust. When the personal living space that your spirit occupies is threatened (Translate: Your body is dying) trust is hard to come by.
Courage with a Whole Heart
I looked at the word Courage. Medieval use implies: With Heart. Brene Brown calls courage, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Less than being heroic, it is more like telling the truth about what I’m afraid of. I have never felt less like a hero. I’m softer now than at any time in my life. But to be soft and vulnerable takes confidence.
Now that’s a word I have loved ever since watching Julie Andrews swinging a guitar case toward the VonTrapp Family mansion. I have confidence in me! What will this day be like? I wonder. What will my future be? I wonder. The lyrics have always seemed to loan me a confidence when I had none. Not that I’ve ever been the whimpering kind. But I have lacked trust.
I have lacked trust in God. He’s never failed but my faith has taken a beating. There was a lot at stake this time. I trusted my doctors more than any other surgeons on the planet. Gosh I lay my life in Dr. Duffy’s hands. I trust my family to make good choices for me when my own reasoning fails. But something can always go wrong.
Face Down in the Arena
Trusting takes an act of believing in what cannot be seen. Peering into the inky blackness of my future with cirrhosis and cancer, I was blinded by odds. How could I display trust to YOU, all of my Best Friends in the battle? I was face down in the arena. My adversary was a reputable killer. Cancer
Yet YOU, my comrades in the stadium considered me a brave hero. You cheered. You threw flowers. You booed my enemy. I do the same for you loveys.
We didn’t set out to eliminate fear. We set out to display confidence in the face of fear. That’s what confidence does. It is about learning to trust ourselves. To rely on our ability to put one foot in front of the other.
One doctor appointment at a time.
Yes, our feelings are strong. Our actions are stronger. That’s what we do, besties.
Brave warriors? Call us that. Fearless heroes? Heck to the yeah. Acting with trust and speaking our truth makes heroes of us all. We face each obstacle. Not always brave or fearless – but definitely with Confidence and Courage. Lordy how I love you all. Xoxoxo Karen:)
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
Fave Song Lyrics from Maria:
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries.
If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back.
I must dream of the things I am seeking.
I am seeking the courage I lack.
Strength doesn’t lie in numbers.
Strength doesn’t lie in wealth.
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers.
When you wake up — Wake Up!
It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to.
All I trust becomes my own.
I have confidence in confidence alone (Oh help!)
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
6 thoughts on “Courage and Confidence with Liver Cancer”
As always..an excellent post. Love you!
Emma
Hello Emma, thank you, good to see you on here! Love you too girl!!
Dearest Karen, it’s been a long time since I last posted a reply on your blog.
But my friend, you can be certain that I read everything that you have written or what your friends have written for you. First of all I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for answering my many questions concerning Hep C, cancer and cirrhosis of the liver.
You’re probably saying to yourself I do not remember answering this lady’s questions at all. That’s because since reading everything you post you have managed to answer all the questions I wanted to ask my doctors but never had a chance to.
Also, I have terrific news and wanted to share it with you. I was just approved by Blue Cross here in Canada for the treatments sovaldi and Ibavyr.
Blue Cross is giving these meds to people like myself who cannot afford to buy them free of charge.
Believe me there was a lot of red tape to go through before I officially qualified for the program. To say I’m very happy is an understatement.
I’m so happy to read on your blogs about how well you’re managing post transplant.
Sending you much love from Alberta Canada.
Della Leblanc
Della, I am so happy to see you back, I am even more thrilled to know that you have been able to get medication. When do you start? Please keep in touch. I am embarrassed to say I have not heard of lbavyr. Is this a new treatment. I wish you all the best. I am so proud of you for fighting to get the medication. I can believe all the stuff (crap) they make you go through. I treated four years ago and it was so much easier to get the treatment drugs. Incivek, Peg, Ribavirin were very harsh on my body. The new drugs are supposed to be much easier. Most people continue to work. I am so very very happy for you, please keep in touch!!
Lots of love and hugs coming your way
Beautiful, Karen. God Bless You! You are an inspiration to me as I travel the “Journey” with my awesome Husband and his Liver Cancer!
Hello there! How is your husband doing? How are you? I hope you are taking care of yourself as well as your husband.
I’m happy to hear from you!
Comments are closed.